“It’s getting late”, she said. She touched my face, “Let’s stay out late as we can.”

We’ll drive around the lake
Just a little too fast
My eyes on the lights
Her hand on my shoulder
Yeah, windows down
The wine in our heads
The city lights just blur
The city lights just blur

There’s got to be something in the DSM-IV for ‘male to female conversation shyness’ ha. If not, I’m sure it’ll be included in the fifth revision. I find so many things absolutely ridiculous, pointless and a waste of time. Yet, I let myself engage myself in these activities for, what, the sake of self-validation? Not anymore. If I’m really destined to only have one handful of close friends, so be it. I don’t think that’s the truth, but I thought I had found something. Ever feel like you’ve been sold a false bill of goods? This is one of those times.

This is going to sound selfish but I’m in complete hermit mode. All I’m focusing on is working and self-expansion. Maybe some of the others don’t have the balls to continue, but I do. I know I’m a good human, not because I’m a good father, or because I treat my friends with the utmost respect and love, or because I don’t hurt others. Those are things you’re just *suppose* to do. I remember this comedy skit Chris Rock did, “well I pay my child support!”; “nigga, you suppose to pay ‘yo child support! what you want, a fucking cookie?”

I’m just at this point where I take a deep breath, admit to myself finally “I do not fit in with this group. I love these people but the drama, stress and problems are no longer worth it for me.” If I only had the capital to do everything myself. I disliked group projects in junior and senior high. My GPA wouldn’t back this up, but people always wanted me in their group. Why? I get shit done. Why? I’m honest and if I say I’ll do something that means I will.

I’m a different person coming back from Dallas, but that’s to be expected…considering. One does not simply go on a trip. Very positive experience as far as learning life lessons, learning that commercialization of spirituality is bullshit. It really removes my faith in most religions/cults/spiritualities as they’re ALL commercialized to some extent. That cute fat Buddha you have? Good chance it was made in China. The cross around your neck? China. The headdress on your head? Not authentic. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Just get the fuck out.

Really though the best part was laying in the grass and seemingly hearing all verbal streams of consciousness around me. So many petty conversations going on at once. So much merchandise to be hocked.

Something else that’s frustrating, and I’m just waiting on the onslaught of “BE PATIENT” posts but I think everyone knows where I’m going with this.

You want to hear the truth: Being PATIENT has gotten me nowhere in life.

1) 6 1/2 years for a 4 year degree.
2) Took me 3 years to ask the ex to marry me.
3) Was engaged OVER a year before we finally tied the knot (for the first time…)
4) Sat on my ass for 6 months in self-pity and self-loathing after the “best thing that ever happened to me walked out” (pffh, right!)

I’m actually thinking I’ve got this invisible death clock over my head and being patient is counterproductive to making the most of my time.

And I’m not keeping now the strength I need to push me

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I’m not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I’m not keeping now the strength I need to push me

Over this. Done. Don’t care. Never fit in anyways. Just an odd sideshow. Love them all but just don’t fit in. “Integrating the experience”, they’d call it. It’s not about what just happened, just the culmination.

Only meant to have a few friends. Uncertain if a life mate is a certainty. Accepting role in life very fast.

Tired of trying to impress people. I know who the fuck I am.

Willy Wonka’s in my closet, all these flavors

Getting stupid paid, off of smart decisions
I’m the man now, I guess that parts a given
Someone please tell me the problem, with my competition
I ask, “What’s up?”, and they just always say, “The cost of living”
I learn from it though, I been down, and I got up
Bring a hundred thousand to the club, and light yo’ spot up
And me fallin’ and landin’ in love, I don’t think should happen
Because everything easier to get into, than to get out of

Earlier today I got a text message from a friend, in response to my question of what he wanted in a woman :

“[edited], well-read, likes but doesn’t live for festivals, reasonably attractive. Is that too much to ask?”

PERFECT! Does your perfect woman have a sister?? And no, it’s not too much to ask.

“oh, and not a bitch.”

Definitely NOT. Not judgemental. . .”

“ideally, [edited] covers that”

Not always dude, see: my anecdotal example

“ideally”

Funny conversation that was. I don’t know what to say tonight, I had a lot of ideas. I accidentally fell asleep about 9:30PM until about an hour ago. I did a lot of physical labor today and I haven’t been used to doing that since Q1 2010. Wow? Has it been that long? Yeah, I guess it has.

I really hope I don’t have to deal with any more shit this week. I’m tired already and tomorrow through Thursday night is booked up with my son. The first time I’ll have him overnight for a weekday, I’m pretty excited. Though, I almost half expect her to come pick him up tomorrow after work because of some stuff I texted her the other night. If you’re going to (randomly) pour your heart out to me, and I can’t do the same? I get it, I do. NO ONE else you’ll meet right now is going to understand your family stuff. I get it, there’s only things I get. I’m sorry. Like all the stuff I threw away about a year ago, and today (I found a pair of your jeans today, am I still really throwing your shit away?) — I’m writing it all off. With the exception of the major events of the past few years (first time to move out, only time to get married, loss of mother, birth of son) I’m writing the rest of it off.

I’m falling back into that materialistic trap. I’m taking this trip this weekend, half business research, half vacation. In what some would call “typical Kenton fashion”, I booked a suite at a nice place. We’re taking a cab to the museum (I’ve NEVER ridden in a cab). Maybe materialistic isn’t the right word, but anyone who knows me knows how I like to do non-camping vacations. I don’t see why I should compromise on bed quality, or noise (staying at a business center), or anything else I require to get a good nights sleep. Everyone knows I’m a piece of shit when I don’t get any sleep. I caught some flak for doing what I did, but it’s been a while since I was able, financially, and traveling with others that I could say “I’ve got this. I’m an anteater.” The thing about money for me right now is:

1. Save. Save. Save. See the forest instead of the trees. Find a goal. Goal found. Achieve that goal.
2. Pay bills, pay excess to… to make sure my son gets what he needs.
3. Spend money not to buy “things”, but to make memories.

I LOVE to travel and I haven’t been able to do much of it since going to Marina Del Rey. I am getting more excited about the trip as I switch from “Business Kenton” back to “Father Kenton” then Friday into “Vacation Kenton” then Saturday into “Business Kenton/Vacation Kenton/Party Kenton” then back into “Business Kenton”. John Travolta said something in Swordfish (2001): “I’ve changed my identity so many times I don’t know my identity any more.” Is this what it’s come to? Am I finally realizing that despite having a firm grasp at times on who I am, what I want — those things change like the seasons. What does that mean? Am I normal or a mental transient?

I think I’m at the point in my life where I’ve found this fork in the road, and the older I get the faster I’m approaching it. I’m at mile marker 28 out of 30.

1. Pursue my REAL dreams. But are they even my dreams? Can I eventually one day shake off the stigma? Can I eventually one day find solace in what the aforementioned friend once said? I don’t know.

2. I think it’s too late for number two, but it is the backup plan. *looks up* Has it been five years already?

On that note, I am going back this fall and I refuse to take out student loans.

Three paths I’m considering:

1. M.Ed – MCED
2. B.S. – Chemistry; undergrad minor -> B.S. Political Science
3. MBA

They all come with the strengths and weaknesses. Number one – Noble profession; recession-proof; high stress; low pay. Number two – An interesting path indeed. There’s a lot that could be done with a triple-bachelors in Chemistry, POLS and CRJU. Up the Chemistry to a Masters sometime before I turn 35 (heh!). Then of course, an MBA. Is that what I’m destined to do? Is it really? Those who really know me and understand what an MBA is would say “Shit dude, that’s too logical. GO!”

All I know is it’s time to go back.

Far too late to stay awake. Yawning my ass off, good thing I caught a 3 hour nap earlier ><

<3

Talk if you need to, but I can’t stay to hear you — That’s the wrong thing to do

When a good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world
It’s just the end of a world that you had with one girl
And she’s the reason it happened, but she’s overreacting
And it’s all because she don’t want things to change

I heard this today on the way to pick up Xander. There’s another line in there so cry if you need to — you bet your ass I broke down.

We live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together
But we sure make it feel like we’re together
Because we’re scared to see each other with somebody else

Although couples aren’t actually in love or “together” maybe in the sense of values, goals, etc. They maintain artificial relationships that are fueled by surface level interactions and convenience. Being scared to see someone you care about with someone else, usually arises from an individual questioning whether or not that person is “as good as it gets” and whether or not they can do better and/or find their “true love.” At least for me, I think this is true.

I’m not sad or upset or depressed or anything but a divorce with a child involved is some of the most painful, ugly shit you’ll ever get involved in. You get a special reminder of her smile when she smiles not at you, but the child you two have created. You get a reminder of her scent as you converse, as you pass your son from loving arms to loving arms. A reminder of the night she left is present each time she leaves with your son. Driving down streets, going to parks, everything in a way is tainted. Hearing about people you’ve never met and you’ll never know. Knowing in the fifteen months we’ve been apart that we’ve changed so much that we truly don’t know each other anymore. I knew this day would come. It doesn’t make these feelings, the empty pit in my stomach — it doesn’t make these things any easier.

I don’t ever want to get married again.

Trust me on this — No crime is as bad as meaninglessness

I have a lot on my mind tonight but not enough time. I’ll just leave some lyrics here:

Memories are spilling
Actual lies, surprise, it’s unfulfiling
Trust me on this
No crime is as bad as meaninglessness
Your will will wither
And intense fear may begin to flutter
In the pit where the butterflies fly

It’s my life – it’s my pain and my struggle
The song that I sing to you it’s my ev-ery-thing
Treat my first like my last, and my last like my first
And my thirst is the same as – when I came
It’s my joy and my tears and the laughter it brings to me
It’s my ev-ery-thing

Fuck it, the same thing make you laugh make you cry — That’s right, the same game that make you mad could make you die — It’s a dice game, and sometimes you crap

What a crazy week. I’m really upset on the inside. I sold this amazing idea to my friends. I thought I had done all of my homework. I was prepared. I was informed. We formed a company. I was so elated. I felt accomplished. I felt like, for once, I was getting my shit together and actually applying some things I had learned in the past. I had this vision of how things would go. Six months of successful sales and we’d have a big company party, let the drinks flow. A year and I’d have all of my bills paid off.

What really disappoints me on the inside is I’ve put so many people in limbo. I love these people.

I don’t like failing. I may be a personal success (for how much longer though?) but I wanted to spread the wealth. I wanted to enrich (no pun intended…) the lives of others. The thing about money is it’s a necessary evil. I’m frugal as all hell these days. My newest electronic is my laptop and it was barely more than $500, before that I can’t even remember because I was having to sell so many things… Life got tough there for a while and when the chips were up I couldn’t appreciate them because I never thought the good times would stop.

Now… That I actually have money… besides my son… I’ve got no one to spend it on. I don’t buy myself senseless shit anymore. I took my tax return and paid child support and bills that weren’t at 0% APR. I just want to make a good life for myself, my son and… someone else. You don’t have to be at the top to be lonely.

I’ve decided I really don’t give a fuck with what’s going on on the Internet. I have to push ahead so I can go back to school this fall. Even if I take two undergrad classes I’d be happy. I have to get my feet back onto a college campus. It’s sickening how much I miss college. I didn’t even really make any friends, I just miss being around people focused on goals. I figure maybe if I surround myself with people with goals and ambition I might pick up some via osmosis. I just feel defeated and blah.

How long has it been, shall we get into it again? Excuse our disgrace we’ve had no time to paint the place

Oh, it feels so nice to have a workspace again. Selling kenton.org was kind of an abrupt move. I was able to pay my grandmother off for the divorce (such an amazing feeling) but that’s a sour story for perhaps another time. I paid some other bills. I think the last time I really blogged was in February and quite a bit has happened since then.

The details aren’t as important I think as the lessons learned. Life was so constant, so unchanging for so long. You can look at that in the ‘fortunately/unfortunately’ light, when they were happening I was under the ‘unfortunately’ impression — now I’m whistling a different tune. Things are…really great. Again, the lessons overshadow the details.

I used to have so much to say, and it’s not that I don’t have anything to say. It’s like trying to catch someone up you haven’t seen in a while.

I wish I had the archives to the old domain, but:

Dislimn \Dis*limn”\, v. t. [Pref. dis- + limn.]
To efface, as a picture. [Obs.] –Shak.
[1913 Webster]

which led me to:

Efface \Ef*face”\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. Effaced; p. pr. & vb.
n. Effacing.] [F. effacer; pref. es- (L. ex) + face face;
prop., to destroy the face or form. See Face, and cf.
Deface.]
1. To cause to disappear (as anything impresses or inscribed
upon a surface) by rubbing out, striking out, etc.; to
erase; to render illegible or indiscernible; as, to efface
the letters on a monument, or the inscription on a coin.
[1913 Webster]

2. To destroy, as a mental impression; to wear away.
[1913 Webster]

I don’t mean to leave this cryptic, but I like it and even though it (disli.mn) was chosen kind of at random, it’s sort of fitting. Plus, I just freed up forty gigabytes on the hard drive. “I really don’t think she’s coming back, man.” You’re right — I don’t need those pictures and I don’t need those memories. What I need are pictures and memories with what I have left, my son.

Now, maybe I won’t post so much shit on Facebook. I REALLY MISSED having somewhere to write. I don’t care if anyone doesn’t read my writings — hell, would I — if I weren’t writing them? I just want to write.